


Becoming who we are

by Ukendeavour



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-30 01:55:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10150568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ukendeavour/pseuds/Ukendeavour
Summary: Cancer changes us, Stef has been told she has Stage One breast cancer. we follow her and Lena through the illness, seeing how it changes them, their relationship with each other as well as their love. *This story is just moments in time over a long period of time*





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter One – First Reaction.  
Stef stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom. The steam was covering it. She reached up with a wash cloth and gently pushed it away. Revealing herself in the mirror. Her face showing the pain of the words that she'd heard today. She took a deep breath. She frowned. She was trying her best not to cry. She reached up, her fingers shaking. She opened the towel and looked at her breasts. A slow loan tear running down her face. Her body shaking. There was a gentle knock on the bathroom door. She'd locked it. She rarely shut it never mind locked it.  
"Stef, honey." Lena's soft voice came through the door.  
Stef didn't answer her. she remembered how sitting in the doctor's office her wife had taken her hand. Holding her close. Giving her the support she had needed. Stef had held it together. She didn't want to fall apart. She couldn't.  
"Honey please." Lena said slowly.  
Stef wrapped herself back in her towel and unlocked the door. She didn't open it. She simply walked back over to the mirror. She heard the door handle move. She heard the door open and close again. Stef was tense. Lena noticed at once. Stef looked back up into the mirror and saw her wife standing behind her. Lena wrapped her arms her wife's middle. Stepping into her personal space. Her head resting on her wife's shoulder. She gently ran her lips along her wife's shoulder. Kissing it softly.  
"You're not alone in this." Lena whispered.  
"I know." Stef said slowly.  
"I'm here."  
Stef leant herself back into her wife's embrace. She felt lost. She didn't know how to explain it. She'd never thought this would happen. When the scan had come back clear the second time she'd not thought anything of it. It had taken her mother to get a third person to look at her scan for them to see something was wrong and now after tests something was seriously wrong.  
"Love," Stef said, she couldn't hold it back now. She started to cry.  
Lena took a deep breath. Turning her wife in her arms and pulling her into her. letting her cry. Stef, who'd always been so strong, was falling apart and all it had taken was the word cancer.  
"It's okay, honey." Lena rubbed Stef's back. "I'm going to catch you."  
Lena gave it a couple of minutes. She then walked Stef into their bedroom. Sitting her down. Lena got her wife a tank top and a pair of baggy PJ pants. She got her wife dressed. She helped Stef into bed. She turned the lights off and joined Stef. Curling up with her. Stef took her wife's hand in hers. Closing her eyes she tried to drift off to sleep. Knowing in her heart that sleep wasn't coming.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
"You have cancer Stefanie." Sharon said to her daughter.  
"I'm aware of that." Stef said, sitting on the stool at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee, her breakfast uneaten in front of her.  
"You've got think of all the options,"  
"Mom what are you on about?" Stef asked, the kids had gone to school and Lena was changing.  
"You need to take this seriously Stefanie."  
"I AM TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY." Stef lost her temper. "THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME, TO ME. NOT YOU,"  
"Stop yelling Stefanie."  
"Stop telling me what to do in my own home, I'm a grown woman."  
"Well start acting like one."  
"Oh For…"  
"Don't curse please honey." Lena said walking into the room. She had heard her wife yelling. Sharon looked at her daughter in law.  
"Tell her please Lena." Sharon said.  
"Tell her what?" Lena said, walking over to Stef. She put her hand onto her wife's shoulder. "Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine. My mother appears to be stressing me out."  
"I'm not stressing you, I'm just telling you, you have to take this cancer seriously." Sharon said  
"Why do you think we aren't?" Lena said  
"Lena, your wife won't decide on treatment."  
"We've only just been told she has cancer." Lena said, her fingers running along her wife's shoulder. "We have to look at the pros and cons of everything we've been told. give us time."  
"This isn't happening to you," Sharon said. "Stop saying we."  
Stef snapped. She slammed her cup down. She got up and walked out of the kitchen. She went upstairs and slammed the door shut. She couldn't understand her mother's reaction.  
Lena walked up and opened the door and looked at her wife. who was now lay on the bed. Her arm over her eyes.  
"I'm sorry Honey." Lena said, sitting on the edge of the bed.  
"It's not you."  
"she wants what is best for you."  
"She doesn't get it's not happening to her. it's happening to me. she wants me to jump into treatment. I need to understand what's going to happen to my body. I've got stage one breast cancer. I want to understand what's happening to me."  
"That's understandable." Lena said.  
"I'm sorry love." Stef said.  
"Don't be, none of this is your fault none of it."  
"Will you still love me without boobs?" Stef asked looking deep into her wife's brown shining eyes.  
"I will love you no matter what."  
Stef saw that her wife was telling the truth. She saw love.  
"It could come to that."  
"If it does. It does. Stef I love you. you're the love of my life and nothing will ever change that."  
Stef smiled at her wife's words. Words that she had said to her a few evenings back. Stef held her wife. holding her close. Enjoying of the feeling of her.  
"I'm scared." Stef whispered.  
Lena understood. The road they had to travel would be long, and hard but she knew if they travel it together, with each supporting the other, they still get through it. She was scared too. For her wife, for them.  
"Me too Honey." Lena finally admitted. Knowing that honesty was best. Stef smiled, pulling Lena to lay with her and they lay for a few moments together in complete silence. Just being.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two – Surgery.  
Lena  
It seemed apt that it was raining, she thought, it was strange to her that it had started raining as soon as they had taken Stef down for the surgery. Lena leant herself against the window pain. Holding her coffee, that she had barely touched. She watched as a single rain drop ran down the window pane. She closed her eyes. remembering the look in her wife's eyes. Stef had been scared. Her eyes showed it. Lena had simply kissed her forehead. Whispered that everything was going to be okay and watched as she drifted off for her surgery.  
Lena thought back to the last time she'd had this horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. That sinking feeling. it was when she'd seen Stef after she'd been shot. She'd told her then not to scare her like this again. she'd never thought it would come to this. She was scared for her wife. terrified for her. she couldn't lose her.  
"Penny for your thoughts?" Stuart said beside her his daughter, him and Dana had flown to help with the kids, but more importantly to support their daughter and daughter-in-law.  
"Stef," Lena said leaning into her dad.  
"Is going to come out of this fine."  
"Dad she's have a double mastectomy,"  
"She is, because she knows that she's going get better if she does the right thing." Stuart whispered, wrapping his arms around his daughter. "She's doing the right thing."  
"I know dad. I'm scared."  
"I'd be more worried if you weren't." Stuart said.  
"She looked so scared." Lena said.  
"Have they said how long it's going to be for her recovery."  
"They aren't sure. But she won't be able to lift her arms. she's not having reconstruction now, they are just removing them today, I hate the thought of it. I love her so much. She's remarkable and I know I'll love her no matter what but dad…"  
Stuart could tell there was something else.  
"What is it baby girl?" Stuart said.  
"She was scared I would fall in love with…with…someone else." Lena said softly.  
"Do you want to share with me?"  
"Erm…" Lena said slowly. She looked down at her wedding ring. "A few months ago, we weren't so close…" Lena felt so guilty talking about this. "And Monte, my boss kiss me."  
"Oh Lena." Stuart said slowly.  
"I didn't tell Stef. I pulled away dad, told her I am in love with my wife, but I didn't tell her. she found out because Monte started dating our friend Jenna and they split up because Monte told Jenna she was in love with me."  
"This is messy." Stuart said slowly.  
"It is, Stef found out. but we worked things out. but the other day she told me. she was scared that I'd fall in love with Monte because he will be scared."  
"I hope you put her in her place," Stuart said smiling.  
"I told her she's my life, my home. And we erm…well you know." Lena blushed as she said you know. Stuart smiled.  
"Good, you love her and she loves you. I'm glad you found a love so strong. I'm lucky I have your mom. But I always wanted you to find that one person. That someone who makes your heart sing. Who drives you crazy. Who holds you up when you need it and walks beside you forever." Stuart said slowly "You've found her."  
"I have." Lena said. "We went swimming. The night I called her my home."  
"Where is this going?" Stuart smiled.  
"We were naked and I just held her. it felt so good. We are close again dad. I can't let this…this…this cancer change that. I love her dad. She completes me. she's the other half of my coin. I can't cope with the thought of losing her."  
"Then think about happier times."  
"Like what?" Lena said her mind was completely filled with negatives thoughts.  
"Your marriage, buying your house, adopting all of those amazing children. Being a couple. Loving each other." Stuart said slowly.  
"Very true." Lena smiled. "My wedding day was the best day of my life."  
"it was. You looked stunning."  
"So did Stef." Lena smiled. "I felt so close to her."  
"You will again." Stuart said slowly. "Trust me dear. You will."  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Lena sat beside her wife, in the private room her mother and father had paid for. On the side of the bed was two drains. In her hand were two IVs. One with saline, one with blood. Lena's fingers wrapped around her wife's. watching her sleep. She watched as Stef's chest rose and fell. It was completely flat. Her body wrapped up. Her breathing steady. She gently ran her fingers up and down her wife's pale arm.  
"I love you," Lena whispered, barely heard over the hum and bleeding of the machines.  
"Love…you too." Stef managed. Her eyes opening slowly. Lena moved and kissed her wife's forehead.  
"Hey you,"  
"Hey." Stef smiled.  
"How are you feeling?"  
"I don't know I can't feel anything." Stef admitted.  
"Surgery was a success."  
"Good." Stef said slowly. She didn't care. She just wanted to sleep.  
"Sleep Honey." Lena said, gently running her fingers through her hair. Stef closed her eyes drifting off to sleep.  
Lena looked at her wife. she'd not seen her this weak since she was shot. Lena sat back on her stool. Gently running down her wife's arm. She felt overwhelmed with love. She was so glad her wife had come through the other side of her surgery. Everything had gone well. The cancer had been cut away. The fact she had the gene that meant it could get worse had led to double mastectomy. Her body looked so thin. Lena moved to the chair, she curled up and went to sleep listening to her wife's steady breathing


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three – The Start of Recovery.  
Stefanie  
Stef lay quietly. Her eyes closed. She listened the noises around her. the nurses at the nurses station, the laughter and jokes. She could hear the machines in her room. The heart monitor beeping. The oxygen machine beside her that fed her breathing tube, which was up her nose was making a soft whispering noise. She could also hear her wife breathing.  
She slowly opened her eyes and noticed that her mother was stood at the window looking out. beside her Lena was sat holding her hand and reading a book. She shifted, it hurt, she groaned. Lena put her book down.  
"Don't move to much baby," She said softly pushing Stef's hair out of her face.  
"Okay,"  
Lena smiled.  
"Must be bad if you are taking orders."  
Stef smiled at her wife's words.  
"It must. How are our babies?" Stef asked  
"They are fine, all at school."  
"Good, don't want them to see me like this."  
"Like what?" Sharon said.  
Stef couldn't believe her mother.  
"You can see me right?" Stef said  
"I see you're still sarcastic."  
"Mom they took my breasts not my personality." Stef, linked her fingers into her wife's hand. Just needing her close.  
"Stefanie."  
"What mother?" Stef said, she was fully awake now. Her whole chest was numb. The drains were still connected so she couldn't move much.  
"Sharon now isn't the time."  
"What? I don't get it. Why can't the kids see you?" Sharon said slowly. Stef took a deep breath. It felt strange.  
"Mom, right now I've got two drain in my chest and my breasts have been removed. I don't want the kids to see me like this."  
"I don't get it."  
"I don't care." Stef said slowly. "I really don't." She wanted to cry. She moved her head and looked at her wife. sometimes the only sane person in her life.  
Sharon got up. She wasn't in the mood to argue with her daughter.  
"I'm going for coffee," With that she left. Leaving Stef and Lena alone. Lena moved and kissed her wife's forehead.  
"It's not worth fighting with your mom you know." Lena said slowly.  
"Where is your mom I will fight with her."  
Lena laughed she couldn't help it.  
"She's keeping our kids busy."  
"Good." Stef said.  
"It feels strange."  
"Your chest?"  
"Yeah baby,"  
"It will get better I promise."  
"I hope you are right."  
Stef couldn't lift her arms or move much.  
"I want to go home," Stef whispered.  
"Another day or so baby, and then I can take you home and pamper you."  
"You have to go back to work,"  
"I've got three weeks off."  
"How?"  
"Monte," Lena said.  
"Yes?"  
"She's feeling guilty I think. She said I could have three weeks paid leave."  
"she must be." Stef said, Lena looked at her wife.  
"I don't want her."  
"I know." Stef said slowly. Looking away.  
"I love you Stef. I don't want her. you're everything to me."  
"I love you too," Stef wanted a cuddle. She moved her hand. Running her fingers along her wife's arm. Lena managed to get onto the bed, pulling her wife into her as best she could without hurting her. Stef closed her eyes. resting gently against Lena. she took in her smell. Lena always made her feel so relaxed she closed her eyes drifting back to sleep.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Lena  
Lena held the coffee her father had bought her. looking out of the window. While Stef had her drains and bandages changed. Stef had asked her to leave while it was done. Stuart watched his daughter. He walked down and wrapped his arms around her.  
"Hey sweet baby girl." Stuart said,  
"Hey dad," Lena rested against her dad smiling he had given her a few minutes.  
"What's on your mind?" he asked  
"She asked me to leave."  
"What for?"  
"She's having her drains and bandages changed. She is ashamed I saw it."  
"It's going to take time love," Stuart rubbed her daughter's back. "She's scared you won't love her if you see her chest. She can't help that. Give her time."  
"I will give her the world. I don't understand I just want to look after her."  
"And you will. I saw you two sleeping together early. She loves you."  
"I love her. Oh God dad this year has been too much."  
"I know, it's going to be okay."  
"My wife has cancer dad."  
"Yes she does. But you know what Lena. your wife is a fighter." Stuart said. "Your wife is amazing. And you are. You will help her get through this."  
"I don't think I'm strong enough." Lena admitted. Stuart looked at his daughter.  
"You're stronger than you think. All you have to do is support her."  
"I'm trying,"  
"I know. It will be hard. But you are a lot stronger baby. Just be there for her. mom and I will deal with the kids."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes. Help your wife get better. Get her through this. Your relationship will be stronger than ever if you get through this."  
"I will," Lena looked at her father. "Thank you,"  
"For what?" Stuart grinned.  
"Being you and giving me the kick up my ass that I need."  
"You don't need it baby. You just need to find your feet again."  
"When did you get so wise dad?" Lena asked drinking the last of her coffee.  
"The day your mother had you. I signed my dad contract and you get a book of wisdom." He laughed. Lena shook her hand.  
"Seriously dad"  
"What?" He said, taking his daughter's hand as they walked back towards her Stef's room. Lena feeling happier. Her father had that effect on her.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
She'd asked Lena to leave. She couldn't believe she had done that. She felt ashamed of her body. She didn't want her to see her. it scared her. Her wife loved her she knew that. But right now she didn't want to see pity in her wife's eyes when she saw her chest. She wasn't sure she would see pity. But she couldn't cope with it if she did. She wanted to cry. Once the nurse had finished and she was completely alone she did cry, letting out the emotion she had been holding in since she'd came around from her surgery


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four – Home Sweet Home  
Lena  
Five days, Lena thought as she drove home. It was five days since she had driven Stef to the hospital and she'd had her major surgery. Now they were finally on their way home. Lena stopped at a red light and looked at her wife, her eyes closed. Her arms crossed over her stomach, she was wearing a baggy plaid shirt and a pair of yoga pants. Lena had helped her dress, but hadn't seen her chest. Stef had had her medical bra put on by her nurse.  
The light turned green and Lena moved. She just wanted to get her wife home. Stef reached over and ran her fingers along her wife's leg. Just letting her know that she wasn't sleep.  
"You're supposed to be resting Honey."  
"I know, I will at home I promise."  
"You should. How are you feeling?"  
"Glad to be going home."  
"How's your chest."  
"I can't really feel it. Just wish I could left my arms."  
"Give it time."  
"You're right, you always are."  
"You must be tried to say that." Lena laughed. Stef smiled. Lena turned onto their road. "Home baby,"  
"I can't wait to lay in our bed. That hospital bed was awful."  
"I thought it was comfy." Lena said slowly.  
"It was comfy but it was lonely."  
"Oh you sweet talker. You are a very romantic when you want to be."  
"Don't go telling people I'm a touch cop you know,"  
"I know, I've seen you in your uni." Lena smiled as she pulled the car into the drive way. She switched the engine off. "We're here."  
"I see." Stef said opening her eyes. she looked at her wife.  
Lena got out of the car and walked around opening the door, she helped Stef. Knowing that she was still weak. She was glad that Stef was resting against her. They slowly made their way to the house. The front door was open and all the kids were waiting. Lena got Stef into living room. Laying her down on the sofa. Stef took a deep breath, her body was weak and she suddenly wanted to sleep. Lena watched her. before heading back outside to get her bags, one of which was a bag of meds. She walked back into the house and saw that Stef had already drifted off to sleep. She put the stuff down and walked into the kitchen. Finding all the kids sitting around with her mom and dad and Sharon.  
"Mom's sleeping."  
"How is she?" Mariana asked. Softly.  
"She's doing well. It's a long road to recovery. We've got to support her. even when she grumpy."  
"Mom, grumpy never." Jesus said, making the whole room laugh apart from Lena.  
"Jesus seriously,"  
"What?"  
"Don't be sarcastic."  
"I get it from mom," Jesus laughed.  
"Yeah you do," Sharon said. "You're totally her son."  
"I am, and I'm proud."  
Lena grinned at son's words. Completely understand where he was coming from. She smiled as her father hugged her and she simply looked at her children.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
Stef lay on the sofa, listening to her families laughter. She was glad they were finding something to have fun about. Life went on and all that jazz.  
"You okay Mom," Jesus said walking in and sitting himself beside his mom.  
"Yeah, I'm good,"  
"Yeah I can see you running around the block in no time." Jesus said, Stef opened her eyes and smiled at her son.  
"Only if you are chasing me on your stake board."  
"I wouldn't never chase you mom."  
"You used too,"  
"Did I?"  
"Yeah when mama and I first bought you a board you would chase me up and down the street."  
"Oh those were the days." Jesus almost sang.  
"Seriously. You are sixteen not sixty."  
"I love you mom." He said suddenly. Stef reached out and ran her fingers down his handsome young face.  
"I love you too bud, thank you."  
"For what?" He asked.  
"Just being you."  
"I can't be anyone else mom."  
"I know that." She smiled. "Sometimes you need to stop being like me."  
"But it's so much fun."  
"It is isn't it?" Stef said. She moved slowly but it hurt so much she stopped. Lena walked in, listening to her wife painful moan made her move quicker.  
"Are you okay honey?" Jesus moved to let his mama get to his mom.  
"I need the bathroom babe, it hurts to me."  
Jesus looked at his mother. Seeing her vulnerable for the first time in his life. He saw his mom openly crying.  
Lena slowly helped her wife up. Taking her into the bathroom, she turned to leave her wife to pee.  
"No, Lena please,"  
Lena understand at once. She had to help her wife. be there for her. love her. not judge her. She would do all of this, without question.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five - How Could This Happen To Me.  
Lena  
Lena woke, the house was completely silent it felt strange. Their house was filled with noise. Whether it was the children fighting or the sound of laughter. She looked at the clock and saw it was half eight. It was Saturday so the kids would all be doing their own things anyways. She looked beside her and saw her wife. sleeping peacefully on her back. She couldn't sleep like she normally did on her side as it was too painful for her. Lena propped herself up on her elbow, resting her head against her hand and watched her wife. she felt so lucky to still have it. She wanted to touch her. but she wasn't sure if she would hurt her. she had seen how scared her wife was. She'd never seen her so scared. Not even when she was shot had she seen that look in her wife's eyes.  
"Enjoying the view?" Stef said, her voice still full of sleep. Lena smiled. Looking down at her wife.  
"Very much," Lena said, "You're always so peaceful when you sleep." She kissed her wife's temple.  
Stef opened her eyes and looked up at her wife, she went to lift her arm to touch her face but it hurt too much so she gave up. Her face showing the pain she was in. Lena took her wife's hand without comment, linking their finger together.  
"I hate this." Stef admitted.  
"I know you do but I still have you."  
"What?" Stef looked at her wife.  
"Baby, I nearly lost you for the second time in a year. I can't cope with that. I love you, I know you're in pain. I know you're weak and ill at the moment but I'm going to get you a lot longer in life."  
"I love you too," Stef said. "I'm sorry I'm trying to be strong."  
"You don't have to be strong all the time." Lena said slowly. "I don't expect that."  
"I can't break, not in front of the kids."  
"They see you for the person you are. Baby. You've had major surgery. You're human. They can see that. I can see that. It's going to take time but you're going to recover and be Super Stef again."  
"Super Stef?" Stef smiled at her wife's words.  
"yeah," Lena laughed. Before she kissed her lips. "Take your time getting up. I'll go and get breakfast ready." Lena got out of bed. Stef watched her disappear into the bathroom.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
Stef sat outside. Her feet up on the coffee table in their outdoor seating area. Wrapped in a large oversized cardigan. A cup of coffee in her hands. Watching the breeze softly going through Frankie's tree. Sharon walked out, she'd been watching her daughter sitting completely alone. she sat herself beside her daughter. Before her surgery they had sat out here and talked. Sharon reached over and took her daughters hand.  
"How are you feeling doll?"  
"Numb." Stef admitted, " And not so top heavy."  
"That's a terrible joke Stefanie."  
"I know but it made me smile." Stef admitted.  
"True. Are you and Lena okay?"  
"We are fine," Stef looked at her mother. "And before you ask she's not having an affair. I don't know why you keep thinking that she's going to cheat on me,"  
"I've only mentioned it…"  
"Twice this year mom. Once at dad's funeral and before my surgery."  
"It just worries me when you two aren't affectionate with each other."  
"All couples have hard times mom." Stef said. "We are stronger than ever."  
"You look closer, I think cancer either drives a wedge between you or makes you closer."  
"We are getting closer, things have been hard. But life is hard mom. I'm not giving up on my marriage."  
"I never said that." Sharon said  
"You imply it every time you accuse my wife of having an affair." Stef said.  
"Fine."  
"she's my rock mom."  
"I know she is. I watch her with you. you know. She your world. And you are hers. I've been watching you for a while. These last two weeks you two have finally come together, I watched her when you were in surgery."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Honey, your wife was completely lost for those hours. She stood completely alone. she had a chat with her dad but that was it. She was lost in a world of her own. All she wanted was you to come out the other side." Sharon said.  
"How did this happen mom?"  
"Bad things happen to good people. You are going to be fine my love."  
"I love you mom."  
"I love you too." Sharon got up and went inside. Stef stayed where she was drinking her coffee.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Lena  
Lena stepped out of the hot shower wrapping herself in a towel, she started to dry her hair. She walked over the mirror and looked at herself. She felt guilty. Her wife, who was now sleeping, had had major surgery which had removed her breasts. Her she was. With her body still intact. She hadn't, thought about it til now. Her body was still as it was two weeks ago, her wife's body was not. She hadn't even see her wife's chest yet. It worried her. she couldn't admit her feelings to Stef. It wouldn't be fair. She combed her hair. Before dressing. It hit her. it was the first time she had hidden her body. They had always, dressed and undressed together. They had never hidden their bodies. But she felt ashamed that she was perfect. She still had her boobs. But Stef, the woman who loves more than anyone else didn't. it didn't bother her. it bothered her that she was still whole.  
She gripped the sink and found herself crying. She couldn't help it. Her emotions had finally got the better of her. all she wanted was her wife to be okay.  
(NEXT CHAPTER – A NEW SIGHT TO SEE)  
________________________________________  
Chapter 6: Chapter six – A new Sight to see  
________________________________________  
(AN: this chapter was hard to write, I got a little emotional doing so. please enjoy Thank you so mmuch for reading)  
Chapter six – A new Sight to see.  
Stefanie.  
She'd noticed. Her wife wasn't dressing around her. she wasn't even coming near her when it was time to change clothes. She was either hiding in the bathroom or hiding behind the closet door. She'd noticed it more and more. Yet she knew she had hadn't shared herself yet so how could she expect her wife to share hers with her.  
Stef slowly walked into the bedroom from the bathroom. She was wearing a baggy shirt and baggy pyjama pants. She walked over to the bed, looking at her wife hiding behind her open door of her closet. Stef got into bed. Bring her knees to her chest. Her body hurt. Her emotions were everywhere. It was drugs she'd been put on. She had to say something. She wanted her wife, wanted her one hundred per cent.  
"Hey, What's going on?" Stef asked, crossing her legs.  
"What do you mean?" Lena said popping her head around the door.  
"Since when do you hide, or turn away when changing your clothes." Stef watched as Lena took a deep breath and slipped her clothes over her head. She turned and looked at her wife.  
"I'm erm…erm…I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."  
"Why would I feel uncomfortable?" Stef was confused  
"Because of everything you've been through." Lena said she was nervous. She pushed her hair out of her face. she sat herself onto Stef's side of the bed. "To be honest. I feel a little guilty. Guilty that my body is still intact and I don't want you to feel worse"  
"Are you worried I'll be jealous?" Stef cocked her head to one side.  
"No," Lena said at once. "I'm sorry, it's stupid I know."  
"It's not love, it's not. It's okay. I'm okay." Stef smiled at her wife. "I am."  
Lena looked at her wife. completely shocked.  
"I don't want you too…" Lena stopped.  
"What baby, please" Stef wanted to hear her wife's voice.  
"Be ashamed."  
"Of myself?" Stef asked  
"Yes, you wouldn't let me help you, not with your drains or even with you now, with your medical bra on. You don't want me to see your chest and it hurts me. You are beautiful. I don't see the scars, I know I've not seen them, but I won't see them I see the reason you are still alive. I don't care about them," tears ran down Lena's face. "I care about you, my life. My lover, my best friend. For thirteen years you've completed me and I know, I know things went wrong and someone got their foot in the door but I push that away. I only want you Stef. I've only wanted you since the moment you came to the school." Lena said slowly.  
Stef didn't reply. She slowly got up. She took a deep breath. Standing in front of the window, she could see the door, that seemed important to her. she looked at Lena. who sat looking at her. Lena didn't move. Sat on the bed watching her wife. she didn't know what to expect.  
Stef took a deep breath, her eyes not leaving Lena's face. Her fingers worked on the buttons of her shirt, she opened it revealing her medical bra. She dropped the shirt, making it pool at her feet. Stef took a deep breath. She unclipped the shoulders of her bra and then slowly pulled the zip on the front down. Her hands shaking. She couldn't even look at herself she was scared how Lena would react. She closed her eyes. opening her bra and letting it fall to the floor. She just stood there, scared her eyes tightly closed. She just listened.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Lena  
Lena watched as Stef's shaking hands undid the bra. It fell to the floor. She first looked at her wife's face, seeing that her eyes were tightly shot, her face showed how scared she was. She let her eyes travel down her wife's body to her chest. To the long pink scars where her breasts had been. Her chest flat, she couldn't tell that she had expanders in them. She stood slowly. Looking at her wife's hands that were now fisted. She wasn't turned off by her woman. She simply walked towards her. she hadn't made a sound. She then ran her fingers along Stef's arms. taking her hands making Stef open her hands. Their fingers interlinking. Lena moved forward. She kissed her wife's chest. Kissing the scars that now marked her body  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
She didn't want to open her eyes and see the look in her wife's eyes. she felt Lena's long fingers interlink with hers. She tensed she then felt her wife's soft curly hair against her shoulder. He nose filled with that amazing smell of her wife's shampoo and oils. She opened her eyes. she looked and she wanted to cry. She wanted to sob. She couldn't feel it but she could see it. She could see her wife kissing her scars. Lena pulled away after kissing both sides. She then kissed her wife's lips.  
"You are beautiful," Lena whispered before kissing her again. "I love you."  
"I love you." Stef said crying openly now. She was weeping. Lena understand. She bent herself down, she picked up her medical bra. She helped her wife put it on. She then helped her with her shirt. They both got into bed. They curled up together. Lena rested her forehead against Stef's. Stef kissed her wife's forehead  
"Thank you," Stef whispered.  
"For what my love?"  
"The honesty, the love but most of all for not being put off by my chest."  
"You're beautiful my love."  
"if you say so."  
"I do." Lena said, wrapping her wife in her arms. trying her best to come up with ways to get her wife self-esteem back.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter six – A new Sight to see.  
Stefanie.  
She'd noticed. Her wife wasn't dressing around her. she wasn't even coming near her when it was time to change clothes. She was either hiding in the bathroom or hiding behind the closet door. She'd noticed it more and more. Yet she knew she had hadn't shared herself yet so how could she expect her wife to share hers with her.  
Stef slowly walked into the bedroom from the bathroom. She was wearing a baggy shirt and baggy pyjama pants. She walked over to the bed, looking at her wife hiding behind her open door of her closet. Stef got into bed. Bring her knees to her chest. Her body hurt. Her emotions were everywhere. It was drugs she'd been put on. She had to say something. She wanted her wife, wanted her one hundred per cent.  
"Hey, What's going on?" Stef asked, crossing her legs.  
"What do you mean?" Lena said popping her head around the door.  
"Since when do you hide, or turn away when changing your clothes." Stef watched as Lena took a deep breath and slipped her clothes over her head. She turned and looked at her wife.  
"I'm erm…erm…I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."  
"Why would I feel uncomfortable?" Stef was confused  
"Because of everything you've been through." Lena said she was nervous. She pushed her hair out of her face. she sat herself onto Stef's side of the bed. "To be honest. I feel a little guilty. Guilty that my body is still intact and I don't want you to feel worse"  
"Are you worried I'll be jealous?" Stef cocked her head to one side.  
"No," Lena said at once. "I'm sorry, it's stupid I know."  
"It's not love, it's not. It's okay. I'm okay." Stef smiled at her wife. "I am."  
Lena looked at her wife. completely shocked.  
"I don't want you too…" Lena stopped.  
"What baby, please" Stef wanted to hear her wife's voice.  
"Be ashamed."  
"Of myself?" Stef asked  
"Yes, you wouldn't let me help you, not with your drains or even with you now, with your medical bra on. You don't want me to see your chest and it hurts me. You are beautiful. I don't see the scars, I know I've not seen them, but I won't see them I see the reason you are still alive. I don't care about them," tears ran down Lena's face. "I care about you, my life. My lover, my best friend. For thirteen years you've completed me and I know, I know things went wrong and someone got their foot in the door but I push that away. I only want you Stef. I've only wanted you since the moment you came to the school." Lena said slowly.  
Stef didn't reply. She slowly got up. She took a deep breath. Standing in front of the window, she could see the door, that seemed important to her. she looked at Lena. who sat looking at her. Lena didn't move. Sat on the bed watching her wife. she didn't know what to expect.  
Stef took a deep breath, her eyes not leaving Lena's face. Her fingers worked on the buttons of her shirt, she opened it revealing her medical bra. She dropped the shirt, making it pool at her feet. Stef took a deep breath. She unclipped the shoulders of her bra and then slowly pulled the zip on the front down. Her hands shaking. She couldn't even look at herself she was scared how Lena would react. She closed her eyes. opening her bra and letting it fall to the floor. She just stood there, scared her eyes tightly closed. She just listened.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Lena  
Lena watched as Stef's shaking hands undid the bra. It fell to the floor. She first looked at her wife's face, seeing that her eyes were tightly shot, her face showed how scared she was. She let her eyes travel down her wife's body to her chest. To the long pink scars where her breasts had been. Her chest flat, she couldn't tell that she had expanders in them. She stood slowly. Looking at her wife's hands that were now fisted. She wasn't turned off by her woman. She simply walked towards her. she hadn't made a sound. She then ran her fingers along Stef's arms. taking her hands making Stef open her hands. Their fingers interlinking. Lena moved forward. She kissed her wife's chest. Kissing the scars that now marked her body  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
She didn't want to open her eyes and see the look in her wife's eyes. she felt Lena's long fingers interlink with hers. She tensed she then felt her wife's soft curly hair against her shoulder. He nose filled with that amazing smell of her wife's shampoo and oils. She opened her eyes. she looked and she wanted to cry. She wanted to sob. She couldn't feel it but she could see it. She could see her wife kissing her scars. Lena pulled away after kissing both sides. She then kissed her wife's lips.  
"You are beautiful," Lena whispered before kissing her again. "I love you."  
"I love you." Stef said crying openly now. She was weeping. Lena understand. She bent herself down, she picked up her medical bra. She helped her wife put it on. She then helped her with her shirt. They both got into bed. They curled up together. Lena rested her forehead against Stef's. Stef kissed her wife's forehead  
"Thank you," Stef whispered.  
"For what my love?"  
"The honesty, the love but most of all for not being put off by my chest."  
"You're beautiful my love."  
"if you say so."  
"I do." Lena said, wrapping her wife in her arms. trying her best to come up with ways to get her wife self-esteem back.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter seven – Implants or flat  
Stefanie.  
Stef closed the draw of her dresser, it felt normal again, her and Lena getting ready for their day together. Both of them dressing in the same room. She looked down at her chest in her shirt, glad they had given her pads so it gave the illusion of breasts. Today was a big day for her. Lena came out of the bathroom after combing her hair.  
"So, I'll meet you at the doctor's office?" she said as she made her way over to the bed to pick up her blazer.  
"You don't have to come, they are just going to pump me up full saline." Stef replied doing up another button on her shirt that she would usually leave undone. She was still very self-couscous around people and her self-esteem had hit rock bottom. She walked around to her side of the bed.  
"I know, but it's not nothing." Lena said, as she made her side of the bed looking up to see her wife move to her own side. "It's emotional." Lena wanted to be there for her wife and deep down Stef knew it.  
Stef picked up her bracelet, slipping it onto her wrist  
"I'm just not looking forward to be filled up like a balloon every week. They should have done the implants when they did the mastectomy," She said as she walked back into the bathroom to set her pen that somehow she had left in there.  
"Its seemed like a lot to go through all at once." Lena said as she carried on making the bed  
"I'm just not looking forward to going under again." Stef replied. She'd hated not being in control in that moment.  
"Well you know, you don't have too." Lena said, stopping making the bed and listening to her wife coming back into the room  
"I don't want to be awake for it." Stef said, the thought of being awake made her want to vomit. It was bad enough she had to go through this.  
"I mean have the surgery period." Lena said while playing with the edge of one of the dress pillows they put on the bed.  
"Then what would we do," Stef said, making sure her shirt was tucked in she walked back into the room. To her side of the bed.  
"You take the expanders out and be done with it."  
Stef laughed. She couldn't help it.  
"Yeah, yeah that would be great for our sex life." Stef said, off hand almost. As she started to make her side of the bed.  
"Why do you say that?" Lena said looking at her wife a little shocked. She saw nothing wrong with her wife. she was still attracted to her. she still loved her deeper. She didn't understand where this was coming from.  
"I'm self-couscous enough as it is Lena, you know about the way I look and not being touched. certainly, don't feel sexy," Stef sat herself onto her now made side of the bed and stated to put her boot on. Her mood had completely changed. Lena moved, kneeling onto the bed to put her blazer on.  
"You haven't fully recovered yet either." Lena said, "It's…it will just take time. Seeing yourself differently."  
"Yeah, what about you? you think you would get used to it." Stef said slowly. "Still be attracted to me without breasts."  
That was it Lena had to say. Had to make her wife see that she loved her completely.  
"I'd have sex with you right now if you wanted." Lena admitted.  
"Why? You wanna buy me dinner first?" Stef joked. She couldn't help it. It was still her way of dealing with this a little joke,  
"I'm just saying, it's not an issue for me." Lena admitted.  
"So then, what would I do? Get a prosthetic bra or something?" Stef asked. She was still so scared. This whole situation had changed her life.  
"If you wanted? But you wouldn't even have to do that." Lena said doing up her blazer.  
Stef laughed a little.  
"Yeah right, a cop with a flat chest I can hear the comments now. People already think I'm butch." Stef said slowly. She was scared by that. She didn't want t be butch, she hated the term maybe it was her father's voice in her head that repeatedly told her that this was all wrong that she shouldn't love another woman the way she was in love with Lena. maybe it was the fact that she didn't want people to know. It scared her. She didn't want to be pigeon holed.  
"Who cares what they think?"  
"Yea," Stef said looking down "well." She got up as there was knock on the door and Lena knew the conversation was over. She really didn't know how to help her wife. Stef was withdrawing. Stef felt it herself. She didn't know how to cope with this. Now also had the problem of whether she wanted the implants or not.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Lena.  
All Lena wanted to do was help her wife. she had no clue how to do it. she'd spent the whole morning trying to think of ways to help her. Then it come to her. Karen, their art teacher. She slowly walked towards the art block. Trying to come up with a way of getting Karen on subject. All she wanted was to help Stef. She had walked past twice before she entered the classroom where Karen was putting a number of kid's art pieces away into plastic boxes. Lena nervous rolled her selves on her blazer and looked around trying to make sure none of the kids were around.  
"Erm, Karen do you have moment?" Lena asked.  
Karen looked up at her friend and boss  
"Sure, Of course." She said,  
Lena looked around again. she was nervous scared almost.  
"It's not work, its personal. And of course if you're not comfortable talking about it that's perfectly understandable."  
Karen read that Lena was scared and nervous.  
"Uncomfortable conversations are actually my favourite kind so erm…" Karen folded her arms and looked at Lena.  
Lena laughed a little more out of nerves than anything else.  
"Thank you," She looked at the door again. "erm. You are a breast cancer survor right?"  
"Yeah, I am, five years cancer free." Karen said happily.  
"That's wonderful. Congratulations. "Lena said slowly.  
"Thank you." Karen cocked her head to one side. "Is there a reason you're asking?" news hadn't got out about Stef, the kids had kept it to themselves and as far as most people knew Lena had taken time off because she was sick. No one knew what was going on. Lena had made sure of that. Even Monte didn't know the full extend to what was happening.  
Lena looked more nervous.  
"Yes, there is." Lena said.  
Karen got up and closed the door. They sat at one of the tables.  
"What's the matter Lena?"  
"Erm, my wife, Stef."  
"Yes,"  
"She was diagnosed with Stage one Breast cancer but she was also told she had the BRCA gene, three weeks ago she had a double mastectomy."  
"I'm sorry Lena," Karen said slowly. "How is she doing?"  
"I really don't know. She's got very low self-esteem and very, very self-couscous."  
"How can I help?" Karen said,  
"She's trying to decide whether…" Lena stopped she didn't know how to stay it.  
"To have implants or stay flat." Karen said  
"Yes." Lena said, looking at her friend.  
"I was in a support group. My friend remained flat while I had implants. Would you like us to talk to her?"  
"Would you?"  
"Yeah, support is needed."  
"Maybe tomorrow afternoon at our house, would that be okay?"  
"Sure," Karen smiled.  
"Thank you,"  
"It's okay, no problem."  
Lena smiled. Before thanking her again and leaving.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
Stef got into bed, after getting changed, watching as her wife who got into bed and put her hair up  
"Do you remember Karen, the art teacher from Anchor Beach?" Lena asked laying back as Stef read her magazine, her glasses perched on the end of her nose.  
"Err vaguely," Stef said wondering where this conversation was going to go.  
"She had breast cancer and a double mastectomy a few years ago,"  
Stef started to wonder where this conversation was going.  
"Oh yeah,"  
"Yeah, yeah I ran into her in the hall today and it accrued to me that she is someone you might like to talk too," Lena said "yea about reconstitution and your concerns."  
"How do you know she'd like to talk to me," Stef said, her eyes still locked on her magazine.  
"Well I also remembered that she was in a support group. And…and she also had a friend who opted to go flat."  
"Go flat?" Stef wasn't sure what she was hearing or where this was going.  
"Yeah, it's the expression they use apparently."  
"And all this just accrued to you in the hall," Stef said, her voice a little more bitter than she would like. She didn't want to talk to people about her chest. It was hard enough for her to speak to Lena.  
"Okay," Lena knew she's been got by her wife. "  
"Love, I'm really not into talking to total stranger about this." Stef said finally removing her glasses. Giving up the reading of her magazine. #  
Lena moved, curling herself around her wife, linking their arms together and resting her head against her shoulder.  
"I know you're a private person. And you don't actually know these women. But they have been through what you have. I don't…I don't know what to say or how to advise you." Stef turned and kissed her wife's forehead. Loving that her wife was this kind. "And I think you need to talk to someone who does."  
Stef rested her lips against her wife's forehead and whispered the word  
"Okay."  
Stef giving in to her wife. like she always did.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie  
Stef sat in the kitchen, beside her wife, cups of tea in front of them, over the table from was Karen and her friend, Ellen. Stef felt nervous. She didn't want talk about her own chest. she didn't even want to look at her own chest.  
"I knew right away that I wanted reconstitution," Karen said, she was so open and relaxed about it. "I thought my husband would be happier, though he was totally supportive of whatever decision I wanted to make." Karen smiled. "I've lived my whole life with breasts. So without them, personally, I just…I felt like I wouldn't feel whole."  
"And you see I personally didn't need breasts to feel whole," Ellen remarked. "I just didn't want more surgeries, with more possible complications. And I didn't want anything artificial inside my body."  
Karen reached over touching Ellen's hands.  
"You see I love my new boobs." They both laughed. Like it was nothing. Stef didn't get it. Lena looked at her wife who was watching the women. "They are perkier than ever. And I haven't had any issue. And for the first time in my life I can go braless." She laughed again  
"So can I," Ellen said, touching Karen.  
"Hey sometimes you've just gotta laugh about it," Karen said, looking directly at Stef. She could see that she was nervous.  
"Did you, erm. Did you…I mean where you ever worried about people staring at you?" Stef asked Ellen  
"Well I was, but you know people don't really notice." Ellen said  
"Yeah, erm, well, erm. What did you do about…about the erm…about the nipples?" Stef said.  
"I had them tattooed." Karen said  
"I didn't do nipples but…"  
"Oh she has the most gorgeous tattoo across her chest," Karen said "You should show them."  
"What you like to see?" Ellen asked. Stef really didn't know what to say. They were in the kitchen. This woman was offering to take her top off. She looked at her wife.  
"And I'm happy to show you my implants." Karen said. Stef was speechless.  
"I think that would be very helpful." Lena said, looking at her wife.  
Stef looked at her wife shocked at the two women stood up. She stood up herself. Watching as they both removed their tops. When she saw Ellen's tattoo she gasped. It was remarkable.  
"Oh." Stef said  
"Oh wow, that is so beautiful," Lena said. It really was.  
"What made you decide to do a peacock?" Stef asked, looking Ellen directly in the eye.  
"Peacock symbolise self-expression, self-confidence, and immortality. And I guess like being reminded that no matter what happens like is eternal." Stef smiled at the words. They seemed so true.  
"Those look great," Lena said, looking at Karen's implants. Everyone laughed.  
"Yeah they do, they look, they look good," Stef said,  
"And the nipples are very dimensional," Lena pointed out.  
"Yeah I'll give you my guys info, he is a true artist." Karen said. "Do you wanna feel them?"  
Stef looked shocked. She couldn't touch another's woman's breasts. Hers and Lena's were fine but Karen's she looked at Lena who simply nodded to let her know it was okay.  
"Oh I…" She couldn't do this.  
"Oh no go ahead give them a squeeze."  
"Yeah sure," She gave in and stepped forward, feeling Karen's breasts. "Wow, they really do feel really natural." She pulled her hands away quickly. She didn't want to be touching anyone else breasts. "That's pretty amazing."  
"Lena," Lena looked up at Karen's voice. "Do you wanna feel, I mean you'll be touching them too," Lena got up and smiled.  
"Sure," She got up and touched her friend's breasts. She wasn't as reserved as Stef. "They do feel really real."  
It was then that Jesus came home.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter eight - internalized homophobia  
Stefanie.  
Stef sat alone, after she had dropped Jesus at his friends. She needed to find her peacock. Find who she was. Since the surgery she'd felt so low and alone. even when she was with Lena. It's never been like this. The loss of her boobs had left a massive gap in her life and she didn't mind the pun. She flicked her hair out of her face. she hated that she had these feelings. She didn't want to look butch, or be accused of being butch. She'd never wanted to look lik a dyke. It was like her father would have disapproved. It hit her. it wasn't her as much as her father. It was always his voice she heard. It scared her. she took a deep breath and decided to do it. she took her phone out and looked for the nearest hairdressers that did walk in appointments. It was time she laid a few demons to rest. She found one and called to see how long the wait was. It was perfect. She told them she would be there shortly and set off there. It was time she started to break her internalized homophobia.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
She was nervous now. She was home. She'd cut her hair. It was styled well. Her neck felt bare. She walked into the kitchen and smiled. Her wife was washing her salad boxes. Stef put her keys and wallet down. She nervous.  
"Hey Ma," She said, trying to get her wife's full attention.  
"Hey,"  
"Anything new and exciting happen today?" Stef said, she was shifting from one foot to the other. she wanted her attention. She had to get her reaction.  
"Err, no not really. How's the set building going?" She asks as she puts the plastic tub onto the draining board.  
"Err, there is a lot to do, time is short." Stef wanted her wife to turn but she still didn't.  
"Yeah," Stef walked over to the table. Pushing her hands into her pockets. She had to get her wife's attention. She was rediscovering herself and she wanted her wife to be a part of that.  
"I…err…decided to get the implants." That did it. Lena turned.  
Stef knew her reaction would come now and her wife took a sharp intake of breath. She couldn't believe it her wife looked completely different. Stef was nervous. She didn't know if Lena liked it or not.  
"Do you hate it?" Stef said, her voice catching in her throat. If Lena hated it she didn't know what she'd do.  
"Oh my God. I love it. It's so sexy." She circles Stef. Taking the new look in. her hands running along her wife's arms, she's smiling. She's shocked but it's a good shocked. "What inspired this change? Look at you," Stef moves and sits down on a stol.  
"I think it's my own version of Ellen's tattoo. The peacock. I think it's, you know, my, my symbol of confidence. I've always wanted to cut my hair really short so." She smiled at her wife, she was glad her wife liked it, she couldn't help it.  
"Well, why haven't you done it till now?" Lena asked. Concerned that her wife hadn't done this before if she had wanted to.  
"Cause I' was afraid I gonna look like a dyke. I hate that I have my own internalised homophobia. But err I've really been struggling, really been struggling with the way people are going to look at me without breasts. As if I err as If I'm less of a woman. Less, less feminine. But you know what breasts and long hair do not make me a woman. And what the hell do I care if people think I'm butch because they have an idea of what a woman is supposed to look like. I just…I just want to look the way I wanna look. And letting go. Letting go of that fear I guess. I've never felt more feminine." Lena smiles at me, she looks so proud as well. "I'm gonna get implants because I like having boobs not because I'm not me with them though." Lena walks over to Stef, her fingers running in to the short hairs on the back f her head. She loved it. it showed the shape of her wife's face so well.  
"I love you so much." Her voice is full of emotion.  
"I love you too." Stef's voice broke as she spoke.  
"And FYI this hair is getting me a little…" Lena had a twinkle in her eye as she spoke  
"Really?" Stef smiled, enjoying the feeling of her wife's fingers in her hair. Her short hair was giving her new feelings and it was giving her wife weak knees.  
"We have a little time before dinner. You know. We don't have too. We could just get naked and err…"  
"Err," Stef said back smiling she couldn't help it. she couldn't believe that her wife was turned on by her hair. Stef was letting go of so much. Lena took her hand and made her stand making her come with her  
"Come on." Lena whispers "Come."  
"Don't you buy me dinner first," Stef slapped Lena's ass as they giggled running upstairs.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Lena  
Lena lay in their bed. Their naked bodies wrapped together. It felt good it was the first time in a while she had seen her wife completely naked. They lay together, the sheets barely covering them. Lena's fingers still running up and down Stef's hair. Stef moved, their lips meeting. It was a slow and passionate kiss. Stef's hands running down her wife's back. Her fingers gliding across her wife's smooth back. Lena slowly pulled away.  
"I love you," She whispered.  
"I love you too," Stef smiled.  
"This is really does…you know."  
"What?" Stef smiled. She wanted her wife to finally say it  
"It's such a turn on. I'm so wet." Lena admitted, before kissing her wife's neck making her moan.  
Stef moved her hand between her wife's body, Lena willing opening her legs, Stef's fingers finding her wet. Lena smiled. Before moaning when Stef's fingers circled her clit.  
"So you are,"  
"It's your hair." Lena moaned. her hands still in Stef's hair. Lena lay back bring Stef on top of her. she opened her legs wider. Stef's fingers moving slowly.  
"You're so sexy," Stef whispered. Lena moaned.  
"You…are…" Lena managed. Stef kissed her wife, Lena's hand left her wife's hair, leaving one there. Her other hand went down her wife's chest. her fingers running along the scars of her wife's chest. Stef pulled back. Her fingers leaving her wife's centre.  
"What is it?" Lena said, seeing that the mood had changed completely. Stef pulled away. "Stef," Lena said,  
Stef pulled away wrapping herself in the sheet.  
"I'm sorry," Tears running down Stef's cheek.  
"What is it honey," Lena got up completely naked the sheets not covering her at all as she wrapped her arms around her, from behind her.  
"I'm ugly Lena." Stef said. Lena kissed her wife's neck. She got out of the bed. She walked round to Stef's side. She stood completely naked in front of her wife. she took her wife's hands and made her stand. Because she couldn't hold the sheet and Lena's hands she stood up naked in front of her wife. Lena walked her over to their large mirror. She stood Stef in front of it. Stef closed her eyes.  
"Stef please open your eyes."  
"Why?"  
"Please. Trust me." Lena said slowly.  
Stef could feel her wife's hard nipples in her back. A feeling she would never feel again. she slowly opened her eyes seeing her flat chest. her scars. Lena simply ran her fingers along the scars.  
"You're sexy,"  
"No, I'm not." Stef said, looking at herself she saw the imperfections and not the perfection. Lena took a deep breath. Running her lips along her wife's shoulder. Suddenly a song came into her mind. She held her around her stomach. Her head on her shoulder. Her lips close to her ear she whispered.  
"I stand naked beside you now, no walls to hide behind, so here are my seal of my scars, still here you are, I obey my soul and I'm not afraid, not afraid. I am beautiful with you, even in the darkest pert of me, I am beautiful with you, make it feel the way it's supposed to be, you're here with me, just show me this and I'll believe, I am beautiful with you."  
Stef turned in her wife's arms. Lena pulled her into her. their naked bodies touching from the top to the bottom. Stef's hands on her wife's hips. Lena's fingers in her wife's hair. Stef was openly weeping.  
"I mean it." Lena said.  
"I know, I love you. you make me beautiful,"  
"I try my love, I try." Lena kissed her again, "Shall we get dressed and have some dinner."  
"yes, I'm sorry Lena."  
"For what?"  
"You were, well you know." Stef couldn't bring herself to say it.  
"You can make it up to me later." Lena laughed. Stef smiled. She then kissed her again before they both got dressed.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine – Reconstruction  
Lena  
She almost sneaked into the bedroom, Stef was sleeping peacefully she'd had a long day. Today she'd had her third amount of saline but into her chest. her breasts were starting to look like breasts again. right now she was wearing a special supporting bra and a tank top as she was too hot, she was also wearing shorts, the window open a little. Lena had bought her a bottle of ice cold water. She put it down on the bed side table. She sat down on her side of the bed, crossing her legs, as she was wearing jeans and following top. She took in her wife. her short hair messy, it was sexy. This cancer had affected them more than she knew. It had taken it's toll on her wife who was redefining herself. She was blossoming. She'd found her look, now she had to work on her wife's self-esteem, she wanted to help her become confidant about her body again. All she wanted to do was help her find herself inside the shyness of her body. She wanted her wife to be the woman she knew she could become. Lena's heart still beat faster when she saw her. she loved that even after all this time they were still in love with each other. through everything, they were still here. Still together and still completely in love. She'd had a long day at work and had missed Stef's appointment. She didn't like that but Stef had just told her to come home when she was ready. Little things that meant so much to Lena. she knew she would help her forever more.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
Stef slowly opened her eyes, she moved her head and smiled. She couldn't help it. Lena was sat crossed legged on their bed beside her, a tray table open over her lap. Paper work all over it, that looked like she'd bought from school.  
"Hey you," Stef said slowly, sitting herself up.  
Lena smiled at her  
"Hey baby, how was the hospital today?"  
"It was okay." Stef said, "How was work?"  
"Stressful, we are back on the grant hunt, she doesn't leave my office."  
"Monte?" Stef asked, sitting up completely. resting her head against her shoulder. She loved the closeness she had with Lona now.  
"Yeah, she came in mid morning and didn't leave. Both doors were wide open." Lena said, without thinking.  
"I trust you," Stef said, "I know you love me. you show me daily, you've stood beside me through all this and see me at my most vulnerable." Stef voice was strong.  
"Thank you,"  
"it's her I don't trust."  
"I don't blame you, I'm finding it hard to even talk to her."  
"She did try to split us up baby,"  
Lena looked at her wife,  
"She did, she was trying to get information out of me today," Lena admitted,  
Stef smiled, it felt so normal to have a normal conversation that wasn't about her health, or the kids.  
"About?"  
"What's going on with you." Lena said "All I've told her is that you've had surgery. She has no idea why or what's happening."  
Stef raised her eyebrow.  
"Why didn't you tell her?"  
"It's none of her business. She's my boss not my friend."  
"very true."  
"How are you feeling?" Lena asked. Trying to change the subject.  
"I'm okay, I had shooting pains in my shoulder today, I still can't feel my chest." Stef admitted.  
"Did you tell the doctor?"  
"Yes, they said it's normal. I'm fine love." Stef said slowly.  
"Are you sure?"  
"yes, could do with something to eat," She laughed. Lena looked at her phone and saw the time.  
"Well it's time for me to make dinner." Lena said, Stef smiled.  
"I will help." Stef said getting out of bed slowly. She wanted normal. She wanted everything to be normal.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
Stef stood in the bathroom, her bedroom door was closed but the door was open to the bathroom. She wanted to see her body. She was alone. Lena was watching a movie with the kids. She opened her shirt. And removed her bra. She looked at her breasts. Not perfect, she still had no feeling. six weeks into starting her saline injections she was finished and her breasts were the same size as when she had started. She knew she was hiding them from Lena. Tomorrow she was going for her tattoos. She wanted to do this. She wanted to look as normal as possible. She could still see the scars. That ran across her breasts. They would there forever. She had to learn to live with them. She put her night shirt on. Walking back into the bedroom she picked up the envelope her mother had sent to her when they had told her that she was having her last treatment. Inside was a note. "take her, love her enjoy," she smiled knowing that they were going to enjoy it. she was going to show her wife her new boobs, she was going to reveal the new her.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter ten – Return to the Spa  
Lena  
Lena smiled. The last time they had been at this spa was before they lost Frankie. They had spent their babymoon here. Now they were having their post-surgery moon. They walked into the room that Sharon had booked for them. it was larger than the one from the babymoon, with a large bathroom, and an extra large double bed, with an amazing view of the ocean. Lena walked into over the large windows over looking the ocean. Noticing to the side there was a door leading out to a balcony. It was all amazing. She would have hated it if they had been in the same room as last time. She turned and looked at Stef who was coming into the room. Reading the letter that her mom had given to her, her glasses on the end of her nose.  
"Honey you shouldn't read and walk," Lena said slowly.  
"It's the letter the lady on the desk gave me."  
"Oh, who is from."  
"Mom." Stef said sitting down onto the bed, "Wow this bed is lovely." She bounced a couple of times making Lena laugh. Lena walked over and sat next to her wife,  
"Stop bouncing on the bed baby,"  
"Yes Ma," Stef said her eyes still locked on the letter,  
Lena smiled.  
"What is in the letter my love?" Lena asked, resting her head against her shoulder.  
"Mom has booked us a romantic meal near the beach at seven pm this evening. We have a couple massage booked for tomorrow morning. She's also paid for the mini bar in our room," Stef laughed.  
Lena giggled. Remembering last time they were here it was so different. Stef had been so lost in her own world, worrying about the children. Today she seemed more relaxed. She passed the letter to Lena.  
"She's really spoiling us." Lena said  
"She said in the letter that the year we've had we need two nights alone, so here we are," Stef laughed.  
Lena got up and took her wife's hands. She hadn't seen her wife's breasts yet. Stef had been keeping it from her.  
"Did you bring something to wear for dinner?" Lena asked.  
"Yes, and you my love will love it. " Stef winked.  
"Oh really,"  
"Yes," Stef said as she got up, looking at the view.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie.  
Stef sat at the table waiting for Lena. She was wearing a black collarless shirt, a pair of black slacks, her blazer on the back of her seat. Her short hair styled. She looked amazing, she was getting looks, from men and women. She was playing with the stem of her wine glass. Her eyes were drawn to the doors leaning from the main restaurant to the outdoor dining area. Her jaw almost dropped. Her wife. her hair on top of her head, around her neck was a diamond necklace. A little black dress clinging to her body, her small pert breasts, just showing, her long legs on display. Stef was speechless as Lena's heels clicked on the wooden planks. Stef stood as Lena made it to her table. Smiling at the woman who competed her wife. the woman who had changed her life completely.  
"Wow," Stef said,  
Lena grinned.  
"Thank you my love," She knew that the word wow was Stef expressing how sexy she lookd.  
"You truly look stunning,"  
The waiter pulled out Lena's chair, waiting for her to sit down. Before he passed her a menu. He left without another word.  
"Thank you, so do you honey."  
"Thank you," Stef smiled at her wife. she'd already chosen what she wanted to eat and it wasn't on the menu. She blushed.  
"What's made you blush?" Lena said reaching over the table and taking her wife's hand.  
Stef shook her head. She can't say what is in her mind.  
"Honey?" Lena said, trying to get her to speak. Stef smiled. She decided to just say it. this was the new her.  
"I know what I'd like to eat but it's not on the menu," Stef whispered.  
"And what would that be?"  
"You," Stef said, making Lena smile.  
She loved how blunt her wife was being. She had found herself and was learning to deal with it. shw as becoming the woman she was meant to be.  
"I will be your dessert." Lena winked.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Lena  
They are kissing, totally overwhelming. As Stef opens the door of the room and they make it into the room, she slams the door shut the door with foot, Lena was almost wrapped around her wife, Stef found some strength she forgot she had and picked up her wife. their lips locked together, Lena's hands lost in her wife's hair. Somehow they ended up with Lena's back against the large window. Her legs wrapped around her wife. Stef's lips left her wife's, moving down her neck. Lena was gasping and moaning her hands still locked into her wife's hair. Stef's hands running along her wife's naked thighs. Pushing her skirt up. Her hands finding her wife's ass. Stef smiled against her wife's neck. Loving that her wife was wearing a thong. Stef managed to slip one hand between them finding her wife's wet centre covered in a thin lace.  
"Yes, honey yes," Lena moaned into Stef's ear.  
Stef gently bit down on her wife's neck. As her fingers moved her wife's thong to one side. Gently pushing two fingers into her. Lena threw her head back, her ass bouncing of the glass of the window as Stef made love her wife. Stef's fingers finding that magic spot in her wife centre. Lena holding onto her wife's shoulder. She felt her wife's teeth on her flesh. Her orgasm washed over her quickly her body shaking as she cried out her wife's name. she didn't have to be quiet so she wasn't her body shaking. She held onto Stef as Stef removed her fingers. Dragging her wet fingers along her wife's smooth thigh. Leaving a trail of her wife's cum on her thigh. Stef stepped back turning and dropping her wife onto the bed. She stood as Lena propped herself up on her elbows. Lena was still shocked that she'd just had sex against a window fully dressed with her wife.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Stefanie  
Stef smiled nervous. She'd enjoyed what she'd just done to her wife. she'd never expected it to be this exciting. It had been a long time since she'd just taken her wife. now Lena's eyes were locked on her. Stef removed her blazer. Very slowly and with Lena watching her fingers she slowly undid her shirt. Revealing a lacy bra, her new breasts. Lena watched as Stef closed her eyes as she unclipped her bra letting it fall to the floor. She stood there, still in her slacks, the moon light hitting her body, showing her pale skin. She didn't open her eyes. she couldn't. she was scared by the look in her wife's eyes. she shouldn't have been. Lena got up off the bed, slipped out of her dress letting it pool at her feet. She stopped out of it. she looked at Stef's chest. saw her new breasts. Her nipples tattooed and looking perfect.  
"Stef, open your eyes"  
Stef opened her eyes. looking at her wife. she smiled when saw the look of completely love and devotion Lena pulled her wife into her. kissing her passionately. They fell onto the bed. Kissing. Touching. Their bodies interlinked. Perfectly. Lena rolled them over. Topping Stef.  
Stef broke the kiss and looked up at her wife. seeing her completely perfect above her and in that moment loving her completely.  
~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster~AdamsFoster  
Lena.  
She opened her eyes, her body sore in a good way. She felt good. They had spent the night making love. She'd see her wife's naked breast for the first time ever. She'd enjoyed the them. she'd felt completely zipped up with her wife. it was so different from last time. She felt so in love with her wife. she rolled over and found the bed empty.  
"Stef?" She said softly  
"Here," Stef came out of the bathroom.  
Wearing just her robe, it wasn't done up. Her naked body on display. Even before her cancer Lena had never seen her wife like this. So open with her nakedness. Showing her wife, her new breasts, including the scars, her toned stomach, her strong legs. Her mound, with trimmed hairs. She was perfect.  
"Stop drooling Lena," Stef said.  
"I can't help it. you are so fucking sexy." Lena rarely cursed and Stef looked shocked as her wife, her woman got out of the sheets, her naked body walking towards her. her dark nipples hard. Her body waiting for Stef's touch. The only touch she wanted.  
Lena had fallen hard for Stef, now all these years on she'd fallen in love all over again. with this new confent Stef, who was at one with her sexuality. At one with her body and at one with their marriage.  
"I love you," Lena said, as she pushed her wife's robe from her shoulders and stepping into her personal space. Her hard nipples touching Stef's breasts, she knew she couldn't feel lit but it didn't matter, right here, right now they were closer and more in love than ever and it felt right.  
"I love you too," Stef whispered as her hands found her wife's ass.  
THE END.


End file.
